Falling Down
by anaknisatanas
Summary: Heero is falling, will anyone be there to catch him?


_I'm falling_

_Just can't see where I went wrong_

_And I'm left standing_

_A stone exposed to the elements_

_They'll be kinder than you_

_Yeah, baby kinder than you._

                Heero Yuy looked around his neat and orderly apartment.  It was sterile, dead.  Utterly devoid of any pictures or personal effects other than his clothing and a few items in his bathroom.  Everything else was generic, no personal touches whatsoever.  It was safer that way really, there was nothing to remind him of Duo or Relena.

                Flashback 

                "Damn you Heero!" Relena shouted at him and slapped him on the cheek.  "I told you not to go on the Preventer mission, I warned you.  You were supposed to take me to Lady Grossenvor's ball last Thursday or did you just conveniently forget?"

                "Relena I was needed," Heero replied, not flinching from the blow or the slight sting that remained.

                "You're supposed to love me!" Relena sobbed hysterically.

                Heero held her loosely in his arms.  He enjoyed the way she smelled but not when she got all emotional like this. 

                He never even bothered to think that maybe something wasn't totally right with Relena or him.  It was his fault, he'd failed in his mission to love her enough.  It was always his fault, his shortcomings.

Six Months Later

                "Heero," Relena crossed her arms impatiently as he sat typing away on his laptop.  "We have to talk."

                He knew what those words meant.  He'd done something wrong and made Relena upset, he'd fucked everything up yet again.  He tried to be perfect for her but he just couldn't seem to be what she wanted.  He slept with her every night, said he loved her, held her hand and was her personal bodyguard.  He even escorted her to nearly every formal function she went to and picked her up and dropped her off when he could not attend.  He was only gone for important Preventer missions, the cause of most of their fights.  It had been three months since the last one so he couldn't think of what he had done to make Relena mad at him this time. 

                "What is it Relena?" Heero said, finally learning to speak without monosyllables.

                "We're over Heero," Relena suddenly yelled at him.  "You don't have emotions.  You never show them or express yourself!  And I hate it!  Just leave already, I'm sick of you leading me on."

                "But Relena," Heero began, hoping he could apologize for whatever he had done.

                "No!" She screamed shrilly.  "I don't want to hear it.  You'd better be gone in the morning Heero.  Or else!"

                She stormed out of the room.

                Heero sat dumbfounded in front of the computer.  He had been researching good places that were also safe for romantic vacations.  He had wanted to surprise Relena for her birthday but now he wouldn't have the chance.  She had made that abundantly clear to him.

                Silently Heero packed his few clothes that weren't suits or tuxedos and stowed away his weapons and laptop in another bag.  Then he left.  He pushed his motorcycle down the driveway and started it outside the gates of the sprawling palace in Sanc.  Heero sped off down the road refusing to feel upset because if he let his emotions come out again he'd only get hurt.

                End Flashback

_So you're laughing_

_That was always your trademark_

_Every time I'm falling you never tried to save me_

_My tears dry up before they fall_

_You accuse me of being cold_

_But baby can't you see?_

_I'm trying as hard as I know how_

_You just don't let me explain_

_I love you more than breathing_

_Look at me I'm bleeding and it's all for you_

_Baby, baby you bring me to my knees_

_each__ and every time you please._

_You're my best friend, my only friend_

_And you couldn't tell me your dark secret_

_How was I supposed to feel?_

_Every day you grow weaker_

_I can see you fading_

_And now you're gone and dead _

_a__ cancer ate your soul and heart._

_Now I'm all alone._

Heero brought the bottle of JD to his lips.  JD had been one of Duo's favorite drinks.  He said it numbed the pain even when the morphine didn't.  All lies.  Otherwise it would numb his pain.

                '**Maybe it's bone deep Hee-chan,' Duo's voice whispered in his head.  'Too deep for anything like JD to work.'**

                "You're right again Duo," Heero murmured tipping back the bottle and taking a long drag, swallowing several times before taking the bottle away from his lips.  "You were always right."

                And Duo was dead these many long months from some virus.  He'd never even said anything about it until he couldn't hide it from Heero anymore. 

                After Relena had kicked him out he'd gone to Germany where Duo was living.  He was painting for a living, retired from the Preventers two months ago.  He wasn't at all surprised when Heero had showed up on his doorstep that rainy night outside of Bremen.

                Flashback

                "Heero," Duo said stepping aside.  "Come in out of the rain."

                Duo ran about and grabbed Heero a hot chocolate, his cure for chasing away the cold.

                "Relena kicked you out?" Duo asked sympathetically.  "Hilde did with me.  She said that I wasn't showing my emotions or some bullshit when I was.  They're just insecure Heero.  You'll get over Relena eventually.  Until then, stay with me as long as you like.  I got a spare bedroom and we can share the bathroom."

                Heero hadn't had to give it much thought.  He moved in with his old war partner and they developed a friendly camaraderie.  Heero went out to work at a bank, keeping away hackers and strengthening their security.  Duo continued to paint but he turned out fewer paintings than normal until he was only doing one a month.

                "Duo what's wrong with you?" Heero asked over dinner one night.  "You hardly eat enough to keep a bird alive and this entire week you've been vomiting and you aren't getting enough sleep."

                "I'm dying Heero," Duo said.  "I didn't want anyone to know because I don't want anyone's pity."

                "What's killing you?" Heero asked trying to hold back the panic and worry he was feeling.

                "A virus," Duo sighed.  "Remember that mission I was on about a year ago on L2?  The one involving how the plague happened and why and who developed the plague?"

                Heero nodded.

                "I got gassed up there and they don't know with what," Duo smiled ruefully.  "There's no cure, they've tried everything, even experimental stuff.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I didn't want you to worry and I was afraid to which seems silly now."

                "We're all allowed to be silly now and then," Heero said softly.

                They spoke little the rest of that evening.  Heero stopped going to work and Duo didn't say anything about it.  He spent all his time with Duo.  He helped him around the house, looked after him, went with him to treatment and tried to find cures on his own.  Despite all his efforts Duo only lived another four months. 

                All his friends from the wars were present except Relena.  She refused to go to "be seen at that gutter rats funeral" as she put it.  For the first time ever Heero was mad at her.

                End Flashback

                He sat in a slightly numbed state.  For the first time since just after the wars things were clear.  He didn't feel out of the loop or anything. 

                His tiny apartment was dead like he was.  A perfect match for him. 

                Heero Yuy looked at the notes he'd written.  There was one to Relena.  It was short but to the point.

                _Relena_

_                You're possibly the most selfish person I know besides also being a royal bitch.  Learn to listen to other people, even if they don't have important social or political standing._

_H. __Yuy_

        He'd left much longer notes for Trowa, Wufei and Quatre.  There was also one for Zechs and Lady Une of the Preventers.  He felt that he owed them an explanation and also a few words of advice.

                Then Heero picked up his well cared for gun.  He took an old and careworn picture from his shirt pocket.  It was a photo of all the Gundam Pilots, for once all of them smiling, on board one of Howard's ships during the first war against OZ.  A time when he'd known who he was and what he was.  A time he'd been happy even though he'd been fighting in a war.

                A tear slid down his cheek but he didn't notice.  He put the barrel of the gun into his mouth and didn't even hesitate as he pulled the trigger and a loud bang echoed in his head before there was nothing.

_I'm falling_

_Like I never knew I could_

_Farther than I ever fell before_

_And all you do is laugh and scream at me_

_I guess I'm not so perfect_

_But baby I tired to be the one you wanted_

_And maybe that's just not who I am._

_And now my time is calling_

_I'm running away with my memories and a bottle of JD_

_Cause there's no one here to catch me_

_Should I hesitate and wait_

_Until the perfect time to pull the trigger?___

_But that's not me, I never wait_

_Baby, I loved you_

_When all you thought I felt was hate_

_And wouldn't it be nice to go away forever_

_To a place where I was happy?_

_Wouldn't it be nice if when I fall _

_there's__ someone there to catch me?_ 


End file.
